In 2008, I was told by my then OB/GYN that I would not be able to conceive a child. I had (and still have) multiple uterine fibroid, ovarian cysts, extra tissue hanging in my uterus, and my fallopian tubes were twisted around my ovaries and full of scar tissue. I had so much scar tissue that it was spewing out of my tubes and causing my uterus to stick to my back (which is why I constantly felt the need to pop my lower back).
I have struggled with this ever since then. There is nothing more that I want to be than a mother and a wife and, yes, for me the two are hand-in-hand (I will explain more on this a little later). I have never really talked about how much I struggle with this. It is something that those closest to me will not understand and may not even be able to sympathize with. They all can have kids and/or they DO have kids. There was one person that I did lean on when I first learned of my condition and he was great about it and I will forever be grateful to him for that. But life, happened, as it always does, and we are no longer in contact with each other.
So why am I opening up about this now? And why on the world wide web? I finally decided that it was time that I did and I couldn't think of ONE person to open up too. What trigger these decisions. Well, yesterday there was a news report of the bodies of seven babies found in the former home of a their mother. This angered and pained me so. I commented on the Facebook post of this news by a national news show and the outpour of sympathy and support touched me. It has been more than 12 hours since I made my comment (below) and it is still receiving "Likes" (it is the most liked comment on this post), as well as comments of support from others that have suffered from infertility issues too. One lady even sent me a very beautiful message to my inbox. Here is my comment:
"This makes me sick. There are people out there (like me) that can't have or struggle trying to have kids and would make GREAT parents. Then there are idiots like this that just continue to reproduce and don't deserve to be a parent."
At this time, there have not been any reports on whether or not if this woman had some mental issues. I am not discussing that or that particular situation. What I am discussing, again, is my struggle with infertility. This situation just triggered me to talk about it.
As I said before, there is nothing more that I want to be than a mother and a wife. I have always wanted at least seven kids (yes, 7) that would be a mix of biological and adopted children. I wanted to be a stay at home mother, with a business that would not take me away from my family for most of the day.
Yes, adoption is still an option and is something that I do want to do, but not a husband, my husband. I am even willing to give IVF a try, but again, not without a husband. I have never wanted to be some guy's baby-momma. I want to be the best friend and wife to a man that I love and for him (whoever he maybe) to view and feel the same way about me.
No, a marriage is not guaranteed to work just because kids are present. But I grew up in a home with both parents in the home up until the death of my father. My brothers and I can attest to the difference in our lives from having both parents there, to only have one there in the home. And I am grateful for the time that my brothers and I had with our father. I look at some people that I know who never had an active father figure and I can't help but wonder how different their life (and the life of their offspring) would be if they had that for even a few years in their life.
But because of how I was raised, what I want for my future kids, and I do not have this husband that I am patiently waiting to find me, I cannot have actively pursue adoption and IVF just yet.
Also, every relationship that I have been in, there has been the discussion of having kids one day. In all of those, the male had expressed their desire to have kids of their own (except for one). At this point, I am not even sure if I can give a guy that. The once exception was older, with kids, and wasn't looking to have more. There have been guys that I have dated (you know, just getting a feel for them as a person) and I would suddenly not hear from them again after having a conversation about family and kids and telling them about my situation. I recall being out for dinner with a date and he looked me in the face and said,
"that is not going to work for me".
Needless to say, that date ended there. And obviously, none of those guys were my guy. But the likelihood of not being able to give a guy a chance at expanding their genetic gene pool has the tendency to make men bolt in the opposite direction. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if it will cause me to spend my days alone. No husband. No kids.
And I struggle with this. I have my good days where the news of someone being pregnant or being around kids do not bother me. And I have my bad days where I just want to avoid everyone. Not because I think I will do something crazy like kidnap an expectant mother or child (I have every reason to believe that I am more mentally and emotionally stable than that), but because I don't ever want to have that feeling of jealousy set in towards something that is so beautiful and precious. I am happy for those that can make a family, especially when it happens to someone close to me because that means a new child that I can have for a few hours or days. Then, when I give the child back, it is just me and my work. I don't want to spend my life like that. Again, I wonder if that is all there will be for me.
The tears I have been fighting back while writing this are starting to win, so, I will stop now.
Until next time loves.
Fashion. Love. Wellness.
Porsha Deun
I am the owner and designer of Deon & Deon, an accessory fashion powerhouse growing to become so much more. This blog will be about my journey of breaking into the fashion business and some personal journeys. www.deonanddion.etsy.com
Writing is a wonderful and therapeutic way to share your daily life. I feel your pain through your words. I read about that horrible mother, and something just is not right, besides her. How did no one know she carried 7 babies to full term and then deliver them too? I think there is way more to this story. I hope you will be blessed with the child you so desire. Adoption is always an option, just a thought. Lots of babies and children need a mother who will love them.
ReplyDeleteThank you melissa. I do agree that there is much more to that story and there should have been several red flags to others in her life. I hope that she gets the help that she needs.
DeleteAdoption has always been an option for me, even before my diagnosis. Just waiting on my guy.
I can imagine this is a difficult thing to deal with. But you are no less of a woman nor will you not be less of a mother because of this. I am sure you will become a mother, and I am sure you will become a great mother, even if your children will not be biologically yours. I think all these kids out there that do not have parents to take care of them deserve someone like you in their lives, you will make them better and you will make them feel loved. In my eyes this is the most beautiful thing you can ever do for someone else!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Yallon. I have dealt with feelings of inadequacies due to my infertility. Sometimes it can be a hard thing to get past. I like to think that I am getting better with it!
DeleteI agree with Melissa.. Writing can be very therapeutic and maybe you're here to write about your struggles and your pains in order to help the next person heal. I do so hope that you will get what you desire and even after you do still tell your story. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree as well Melissa. Writing about this has been therapeutic for me. I do feel better about it, because I am not holding it all in and trying to hide it from others. I always knew that I was not alone in my struggle but it was a hard concept to wrap my head around because no one else around me had the same struggle. Since my comment on the FB post of what that woman had done to her babies, the fact that I was not alone had a chance to really sink it. So I figured that it is something that needs to be talked about because there could be many out there like me, that felt all alone.
DeleteHi Porsha
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry to hear that you're unable to have children. I'm so glad that you've taken the brave step of opening up about it online becuase I think that you'll finally find some people who will understand what you're going through and be able to support one another. I hope that you manage to become a mother to someone who is as wonderful as yourself; it might not be biological, but there are many children in need of someone as great yourself. Remember, anything is possible and never to loose hope!
Thank you Vivid.
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